her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
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