if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he thought i was a dude.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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