im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
