I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
