found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
