just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
