Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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