Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
