ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
