It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
What a dumb baby whore.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
