I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
