apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
