About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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