I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
