just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
