if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
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