My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Randomize
