I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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