My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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