So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
