I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
