god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
