we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
