Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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