Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
