ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
