Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
