Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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