life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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