I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We're too hungover to prance.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
