You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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