ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
