I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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