Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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