Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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