just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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