Only a mothe r could love this liver
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
