I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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