i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
