dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
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