Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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