I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Shame is for Republicans.
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