i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
