your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
