woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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