Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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