I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
