Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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