If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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