At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Randomize
