I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I just threw up on my dentist
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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