Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
