Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
