the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
