I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
