anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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