He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
