I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
