i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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