Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
