It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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