I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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