we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
