and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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