I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
