WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
